Hard Lesson – Five
Maybe It's Good
Many times when something bad happens to us – getting fired from a job, getting denied entry from the university of your choice, a car breaking down, you name it – there is something is going on behind the scenes that we can’t see. And in the end, what we thought was bad, ends up being good.
The bible, in Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Once, a long time ago, there was a farmer who had a prize stallion – the fastest and most beautiful horse in the kingdom. One day the horse ran away.
The farmer’s neighbor, always eager to put in his two cents, said to the farmer when he heard the news, “You’ve lost your best horse! That’s terrible!”
The farmer barely seemed to notice. “Maybe it’s bad,” he said. “Maybe it’s good.”
Weeks later, the stallion returned of it’s own accord, running back into his own corral, and with him brought an entire heard of mares he’d gathered to himself while out in the wild.
When the neighbor saw the farmer’s apparent good fortune, he exclaimed, “My goodness, man! You’ll be the richest man in the kingdom with all those horses! That’s wonderful!”
“Maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s bad.” said the farmer.
A few weeks later, the farmer’s oldest son was breaking one of the new horses, when he was thrown, fracturing a leg in the process.
The neighbor came to console the farmer. “My, my, my!” he tutted. “You’ve lost your best hand now. That’s terrible!”
The farmer smiled. “Maybe it’s bad. Maybe it’s good.”
A week later, a war began with a neighboring kingdom. The king’s officials came through, conscripting the oldest male of every household. But when seeing the farmer’s son laid up with a broken leg, they passed on to the next household.
Since we never know what our future holds, we should always refrain from passing a negative judgement on something that happens to us, no matter how bad it may seem. To pass judgement on something we know nothing about shows a lack of critical thinking, not to mention such negative thinking often leads to anger and depression, both of which are bad for your health.
And there’s yet another reason not to prejudge something that happens to you as bad.
According to researchers at Cornell University, our minds find it easier to find evidence which confirms our judgements, rather than evidence that dis-confirms it, a phenomenon, called confirmation bias. So once we’ve judged a situation as bad, that conclusion will then cause us to perceive our life in a way that confirms our negative outlook.
The truth is, we never know what the future holds. The thing you dread now, that thing you must be dragged through, kicking and screaming, might just be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Over a year ago, I was denied compassionate release. The court’s denial meant that instead of getting immediate release from prison due to the Covid pandemic, I would have to serve the remaining four years of my sentence. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to go through.
Nothing good, I thought, could possibly come from such a situation. For months, I was inconsolable.
And then, lo and behold, as a direct result of getting my motion denied, I met the most wonderful woman in the world. That woman is now my wife. Had my motion been granted, I would have never met this woman. God truly works in mysterious ways.
We cannot know what He has in store for us.
But if we are patient, if we accept with gratitude and an open heart the things He has set before us, we will often find that in the end, what we thought was a painful loss, was in reality, a supreme gain.
Hard Lesson – Four
Tomorrow Isn't Guaranteed
How many times have I heard it?
“When I get out of prison, I’m going to study this, or learn to do that.”
“When I get out, I’m going to turn over a new leaf.”
“I’ll change when I get out. I’ll do this or that, when I get out.”
I once had a celly, named Roy “Big Moe” Moe.
Big Moe lived for riding motorcycles. A couple of years before his release, Roy began making plans. His brother was having a pair of custom motorcycles made just for them. They planned to spend several years touring the United States with a large RV and a trailer on the back pulling the bikes. The plan was to hit all the big sights – The Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone. During the day they’d tour around on the bikes, while at night they’d sleep like kings in the RV.
For months it was all my celly talked about. He had pictures of the bike as it was being built. The pictures were his talisman. He carried them with him wherever he went on the yard, showing them to anyone who was interested.
It was pure joy watching him – the look in his eyes.
There wasn’t a soul on that prison yard who didn’t envy Big Moe.
Roy was so excited he barely slept that final night. On the day of his release, when I said goodbye, I told him, “remember me when the wind is in your hair.”
That morning, Roy’s brother drove up to the prison in the RV, with the two custom bikes on the trailer. Roy backed his bike off the trailer right there in the parking lot.
We couldn’t see him, but I was standing outside in the yard with several other inmates. We listened as Roy revved his bike and rode it around the parking lot several times before heading off down the highway, with his brother trailing behind in the motor home.
We all had this dreamy far-away look in our eyes, and there wasn’t a man among us who wouldn’t have gladly traded places with Roy that day.
Approximately thirty minutes later, in a small town called Carnes City, an old woman pulled out in front of Roy, and there was a terrible accident. Roy was life-flighted to San Antonio, but passed away two days later in University Hospital.
That was the day I stopped living for some ideal day in the far-off future, when I’d finally get back to that mythical free-world. Many inmates spend years fantasizing about that day, as if it’s guaranteed. But just like outside, people in prison get sick and die all the time.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
So if you’re incarcerated, and you find yourself wasting too much time on television or slamming dominoes, it might be time to stop counting the days and start making the days count. Make a conscious effort to appreciate everything you have left, rather than worrying about everything you’ve lost.
Start reading everything you can get your hands on – history, philosophy, psychology, religion. Learn something. Study something. While you may never get to apply it in the real world, you’ll learn something valuable: That learning and knowledge don’t have to be applied to have value.
Study and knowledge have their own intrinsic worth.
Learning for the sake of learning can itself be valuable.
It’s fine to make plans. I highly recommend it. But never forget, all we have is today.
Hard Lesson – Three
Quitting is not an Option
For those of you who think suicide is some sort of noble deed requiring great courage, I say this: Killing yourself accomplishes nothing.
It only serves to hurt and sometimes even destroy the people you love most. Suicide makes life that much harder on the survivors, who are now forced to pick up the wreckage you’ve left behind, while further burdening them with guilt. It’s the coward’s way out.
If you’re incarcerated and serving a long sentence (or even a short one), there will be days when you feel down and depressed. Days when you think you just can’t go on. After nearly 26 years inside, I speak from experience.
Know you’re not alone.
Even out in the world, there are many people who share your feelings of hopelessness and despair. Many people who are outwardly successful – even rich and famous people – feel as if there’s nothing to live for.
Maybe you think there’s no way you’ll ever possibly make it through another five, ten, twenty, or even fifty years. Thousands of people in this country face decades behind bars. But even short sentences can play havoc on emotions.
I once had a newly-arrived inmate come to me seeking advice. Within seconds of introducing himself, this man broke down in tears. “I just don’t think I can make it,” he cried, with a look of abject despair.
“Well, how long do you have?” I asked. Judging from his despondency, I expected an answer of at least a decade.
“Nine months,” came his reply.
The point is, if you’re the one serving it, if you’re the one separated from your spouse, friends, or children, any sentence is a long sentence.
Rule number one – never give up.
Maybe you feel you really can’t do another five, ten, or twenty years. The good news, my friend, is you don’t have to. The only thing you have to do right now, is follow rule number two.
Rule number two – get through today. Survive.
Because if you can just make it through today, if you can survive the day ahead, chances are, when you wake up tomorrow, things might not look quite so hopeless. But if they do? Go back to Rule Number One.
Here’s a list of ten things that are guaranteed to help you make it through today. Things that can help you shake off the despair you may be feeling right now.
- Get up and move. Do twenty-five push-ups. Or a hundred jumping jacks. Or fifty pushups. If you can’t do fifty, do what you can do. Nothing beats exercise for fighting off depression. The hardest thing is starting. Once you get past the inertia, it begins to get easier.
- Clean something – your cell. The tier. Your laundry. And every time you scrub something, visualize your mind and heart being cleansed of hatred, bitterness, or resentments.
- Find an elderly inmate, and ask them if they need help with anything. Maybe their cell needs cleaning, maybe they need a letter written. Whatever it may be, do it with a smile.
- Write a letter to a loved one or friend on the street, telling them how much you love and appreciate them.
- Write a list of ten things you’re thankful for. If you can’t think of ten, make it five. Or even one.
- Find an inmate with a drug problem, and tell them there’s a better way. If you yourself have a drug problem, find another inmate who shares your desire to get sober, and make an agreement – a partnership – to help one another in your endeavor to gain and maintain sobriety.
- Make a list of five goals you’d like to accomplish before you get out of prison.
- Make a list of five goals you’d like to accomplish after your release from prison.
- Make a list of five ways your life could be worse. This will help you put things in perspective, and see that perhaps things aren’t as bad as you thought they were.
- Pray or meditate – sit calmly and focus on your breathing for a few minutes. Then send thoughts of loving kindness to a loved one, or even better, to someone you don’t particularly like. You’ll be amazed at the results.
So when you feel like giving up, always always remember the true secret of happiness – helping and serving others. There’s always someone worse off than yourself. If you can find that person, and help them in some small way, in the process you will find you have helped yourself as much as you’ve helped them.
Hard Lesson – Two
No One Can Save You But You
No one – not even God – will force you to make the right choices in life. Praying for God or Jesus or Buddha to change you only sets you up for failure. Because such a course removes responsibility from there it belongs (on you) and places it on God.
“Well,” you say, “I asked God to change me, and he didn’t.”
If God made you stop drinking, or using drugs, or cheating on your spouse, then you wouldn’t be human.
You’d be an automaton. You would no longer have free will. What we can do, is ask Him for wisdom, for the discernment to see the harm we cause ourselves with our self-destructive actions.
Ultimately, change comes from within.
That’s why God gave us a brain, and common sense.
That’s why He gave us two eyes with which to see, and two ears with which to hear.
Using the eyes God gave us, we are able to see the destruction in our lives caused by addiction.
Using the ears God gave us, we can listen to the lessons life is trying to teach us.
And with this knowledge, we can then use the brain God gave us to conclude that a decision is called for. A decision to stop our self-destructive behavior.
Only you can make this decision. God cannot make it for you.
And know this too – that choosing not to decide is still a decision. If you’re an addict, and you choose not to decide to get clean and sober, it’s the same thing as choosing to be a slave.
Again, you can ask God for strength, or wisdom, or discernment. But ultimately, it’s your decision. And if you find yourself praying for the strength or wisdom to make a decision, that’s a pretty good indication you already know in your heart that a decision is called for.
So in reality, you don’t need strength.
Or wisdom.
You simply need to make up your mind to do what’s right.
In such a case, it’s not a problem of strength, or wisdom.
It is, rather, a problem of attachment.
How much strength does it require to let go?
The problem therefore, is not a lack of strength. The problem is indecisiveness.
Hard Lesson – One
Truth About Happiness
Many people – especially addicts and alcoholics – have somehow come to the misguided conclusion that we’re supposed to always be happy.
We always want to feel good. No matter what the circumstances. We’re always craving that next hit, that next drink, and next slice of chocolate cake.
For many it’s a constant struggle to perpetually feel good. We’re always on the lookout for the next new way to get high and feel good. As if feeling good were the end-all be-all of existence. We search in vain, high and low, for the secret to happiness.
But the secret to happiness begins with the knowledge that we weren’t put here just to be happy. We were not put on this earth merely to feel good. We were put here to learn, to grow, and to evolve.
And the funny thing – the miraculous thing – is that the more we learn, the more we grow and evolve, the more we find ourselves wanting to help others.
And the more we begin to help others, the more we find that, lo and behold, we ourselves are made happy in the process.
By putting others before self, through the path of service to others, we then find the true secret to happiness.